Writing and I have always had a complex relationship. That might seem odd, since I teach writing. Probably you're expecting me to say: "Writing! I love it! It's the best! I'd marry it if I could!" But...yeaaaah....not so much.
In school, I usually had a lot of success with writing. I can remember my first grade teacher reading my descriptive "essay" about the red bicycle I wanted to the entire class. I guess mine was impressively detailed or something. And, throughout school, the praise generally continued. I excelled in English, and I punished myself if I got anything less than an A+. So even though I felt good about writing, it was apparent that I was a bit, um, competitive and obsessive about it. Not the world's most healthy relationship, I suppose.
In high school, I even did some more public writing on my school newspaper. I liked writing editorials, researching and expressing my opinion to the student audience. (Who didn't really read it....but what did I care?) Then, an article I wrote stirred up some serious controversy at my large suburban high school. In our "Battle of the Sexes" annual issue, I wrote a piece that sarcastically bashed men, while a male writer wrote one sarcastically bashing women. It was no big deal--the paper did this every year. However, during this year, the administration had some pre-existing issues with our advisor, and I think they were looking to get rid of her for almost anything. So, apparently my article was a good reason, as I'd used "inappropriate" words like "sex," "PMS," and "gay." (Yes, words I am sure NO high school student had ever read before!) And as quickly as the article was written, my newspaper advisor was fired. Just like that. And, well, it was all my fault...right?
In retrospect, no, it wasn't my fault. There was context and history around her firing that I would never fully understand. But this incident, for the first time, made me realize the power of language. Words could hurt, injure, and offend, and in a ways that had very serious, real, material consequences. My already complicated relationship got even worse after this. In some ways, I never wanted to write again.
But, of course, I did. I mean, I'm a PhD student in English now, so you gotta figure there's some writing involved with that gig. But, even though I've come this far, I still find myself intimidated by writing. Sometimes I fear I'm not good enough at it--my words aren't big enough, my sentence structure too confusing, my content downright boring! Other times I'm back to worrying about the damage my words could do--who will I offend? Who will get fired? What kind of trouble might I stir up this time?
Lauren, I don't think you should ever feel intimidated when you write for the public. Just from reading your emails and blogs, I can already tell that I like the way you put your ideas into writing. Being competitive and obsessive about something you are good at is a good thing because it will make you strive to be better. You mentioned in class that by 2012, if plans go swimmingly, you won't be here. Just wondering where you wanted to end up?? I find rhetoric in writing and speaking very interesting. Especially in speaking because it relies on wit and quick thoughts, as well as reading people and figuring out what they want.
ReplyDeleteHey Cody! Thanks for reading my blog and offering your support. I'm glad I can articulate my thoughts and ideas clearly, especially to students. And perhaps you're right about my competitive spirit being a good thing where writing is concerned. Without that, I doubt I would have ever ended up as a teacher and part of well-respected graduate program! :)
ReplyDeleteAs for 2012, well, that's simply when I will be done with my Ph.D. I should graduate in that spring. My goal is to obtain a job as a professor somewhere. Not sure where...I have to be flexible, as the job market for English professors is quite competitive. So I won't be leaving OSU because I want to, but rather because I have to if I want to make a living and achieve my next set of professional goals. Cross your fingers for me...it's a ways off, yes, but I already feel nervous about it!